By Zachary Zane
Few sex positions are more classic, iconic, and controversial than the missionary sex position. It’s the sex position most depicted in TV and film. Not to mention, for many, it’s the first sex position we ever tried when we lost our virginities.
Many people think of missionary sex as being boring and vanilla, explains queer sex educator and journalist Gabrielle Kassel. “Not only are these misconceptions false, but they perpetuate the idea that vanilla sex is bad, when there is no ‘bad’ way to have sex so long as all people involved are enthusiastic about having it,” Kassel says.
But the reason so many people find it “boring” is because they aren’t taking full advantage of the position. Through slight variations, including the use of sex toys, missionary can be wildly pleasurable, powerfully intimate, and devilishly kinky. (“The position can be kink-ified through dirty talk that enforces a power dynamic; the use of hair pulling, biting, or choking; as well as kinky pleasure aids like a rope, bondage tape, collar, or cuffs,” Kassel says.)
Below, with the help of various sex experts, we break down how to transform missionary into a pleasurable position that can meet most (if not all) of your sexual needs.
What Qualifies as Missionary Sex?
Before delving any further, we first need to break down exactly what constitutes missionary sex.
“Missionary is a sex position where the person penetrating is on top, and the person receiving penetration is on the bottom,” says Dr. Lee Phillips, a psychotherapist and certified sex and couples’ therapist. “The two people are face-to-face in this configuration and with all missionary variations.”
For years, missionary was traditionally thought of as the man being the top (the penetrating partner) and the woman being the bottom (receiving partner), but “now, in our new era of sex-positivity and queer-informed sex ed, we're finally acknowledging that missionary sex just means a human on top of another human,” says The Sober Sexpert Tawny Lara, author of Dry Humping: A Guide to Dating, Relating, and Hooking Up Without the Booze. And as we’ll explain below, it’s actually a great position for anal sex (along with vaginal sex).
How to Make Missionary Sex More Pleasurable (and Less Basic)
Eye Contact:
Unless you are purposefully attempting to make eye contact (or naturally love to do it), you probably aren’t holding your partner’s gaze all that long (or at all, if your go-to position is doggy style). When you do, it is freakin’ intense. “Missionary sex allows for eye contact, as well as a tantric practice called eye-gazing, both of which are anything but boring,” Kassel says. “Holding eye contact while in the throes of pleasure is seriously arousing, as well as connective, intimate, and sensuous.”
Nipple Play:
Can we say this position is hot for the nipples? “The penetrating partner can bend down while on top and kiss, suck, and tug the nipples,” Phillips says. “The receiving partner can lean up and tug the penetrating partner’s nipples.” You can also incorporate nipple clamps in this position for continuous nipple sensation.
Making Out:
Sure, if you’re pounding away (or getting pounded), it may be tough to make out while in the missionary position. But if you’re going slow, deep, and steady, it can be extremely arousing to tenderly kiss while in missionary.
Incorporate Sex Toys:
There are quite a few ways to incorporate sex toys while having sex in the missionary position. “For vaginal missionary sex, consider having the receiver and/or the giver wear a booty plug. Wearing a butt plug during play can enable both people to experience the sensation of fullness,” Kassel suggests. Wearing a butt plug while being on the receiving end of vaginal penetration can create a sustained feeling of being stuffed. “Wearing a butt plug while receiving vaginal penetration can also angle the phallus (penis or dildo) towards the front vaginal wall, which enables G-zone stimulation,” Kassel says.
Lara recommends using a vibrating cock ring, like NŌS, while in missionary. Not only will this provide stimulation for the person with the penis; it will also stimulate the receiving partner’s clitoris.
Speaking of clitoral stimulation, you can also use a vibrating wand, like VIM. It might take a little bit of repositioning (and the penetrating partner may need to lean back), but you absolutely can place the wand on your clitoris while your partner penetrates you.
Lastly, Kassel adds that you can use a strap-on toy (i.e., pelvic harness and dildo) or a strapless strap-on (i.e., a vibrating double dildo) like SHARE VIBE PRO. This is an excellent way for people who don’t have a penis to penetrate their partners in missionary.
Get Kinky:
Being face-to-face with your partner allows you to get kinky. Not only can you engage in breath play (i.e., choking), but you can also pull your partner’s hair, bite their neck, or slap them. (Of course, all of this should be discussed beforehand, and your partner should enthusiastically consent and desire to engage in this type of rougher play).
You can also restrain your partner “using rope, bondage tape, collars, or cuffs,” Kassel adds. Missionary really is an ideal position for bondage. A simple way to include bondage is to cuff your partner’s wrists together above their head.
Variations on the Missionary Sex Position
There are quite a few variations of the missionary sex position that can greatly enhance pleasure for both you and your partner.
Legs-Up-Over-the-Shoulders:
As the name suggests, in this variation of missionary, the receiving partner places their legs over the shoulders of the penetrating partner. “The legs-up-over-the-shoulders variation is great for hitting the G-spot or prostate,” Phillips notes. “The more elevated the hips, the deeper the penetration.” The only con is that this position may not work if the receiving partner has lower back pain.
Stand and Deliver:
In this position, the receiver lays on the edge of the bed, and the penetrating partner stands, pulls the receiver’s hips, and thrusts. Standing really allows the top some more leverage and to thrust with more power. Again, flexibility is potentially an issue for the bottom, as this can put a lot of stress on the receiver’s hips.
Upright Missionary:
This is a position that you often see in porn, and honestly, it’s more of a position to do just to say you did it. In upright missionary, the giver stands and picks up the receiver, who wraps their legs around the giver’s waist. This is a hot missionary position for eye contact. The main issue with this position is strength. “Body weight may factor in for the receiver and it requires a great deal of strength from the giver,” Phillips warns.
Lifted Missionary:
The receiver props a cushion or pillow underneath them. A sex pillow is ideal because the giver places their knees on the sex pillow while the receiver places their butt on the other end. This position is excellent for back pain and larger bodies. It also allows for easier access to the vagina and anus. (In fact, I would argue that a pillow is pretty much necessary if you’re having anal sex in missionary because, without it, it’s challenging for the top to have access to the anus.)
Anal Missionary:
If you’re new to anal sex, you might not even realize that you can have anal sex while in missionary. The key is for the bottom to angle their hole upward, so this may involve scrunching their legs into their chest or lying over a wedge or pillow. While in this position, the receiver can stroke themselves off if they have a penis or manually stimulate their clitoris for dual pleasure.
Strap-On Missionary:
“Strap-on missionary sex involves the person on top strapping on a pelvic harness and dildo—or a strapless strap-on—and penetrating the partner on the bottom in a face-to-face position,” Kassel says. If you are having strap-on anal sex (also known as pegging), make sure to use a lube like SUTIL Rich. The anus, unlike the vagina, is not self-lubricating, so you must use lube when getting penetrated anally. And no, spit does not cut it. Also, while silicone lubes are typically better for anal sex because they are thicker and last longer, you can’t use a silicone lube with a silicone toy (because it degrades the material), so you’ll want to use a water-based lube.
The Takeaway:
By slightly tweaking the missionary position, looking into each other’s eyes, using sex toys, and getting a little kinky (with dirty talk, bondage, and impact), you can turn this allegedly “boring” and “vanilla” position into a pleasurable staple in your sex repertoire.
Zachary Zane is FUN FACTORY’s resident Sex Expert. His work focuses on sexuality, culture, and the LGBTQ community. He is the author of Boyslut: A Memoir and Manifesto.
He currently has two columns: “Sexplain It” at Men’s Health and “Navigating Non-Monogamy” at Cosmo. He is also the founder and editor-in-chief of Boyslut Zine, which publishes real sex stories from kinksters worldwide. His work on sexuality and relationships has been published in The New York Times, Rolling Stone, The Washington Post, and many others.
This post was written by a guest blogger, and all opinions and ideas expressed are that of the author. All ideas included are for educational and entertainment value, and do not constitute medical advice.
